Giving Your Ex the Green Light to Get Back Onboard
After you’ve given yourself some time to rethink the relationship between you and your ex, you may decide that you want him back. If you’ve given each other some space to think, he may be as ready as you are to patch things up.
My advice was to halt all communication until you’ve given thorough thought to the situation – and if you heeded that advice, it’s time to make contact again and get back on the relationship highway.
This interim time between being apart and getting back together is fragile and can come apart at the least indiscretion, so caution is the way to go.
You don’t want your flight to fall down mid-way on the road to making up. Keep it simple and light, even though you may feel like folding into his arms.
The first contact made may need to be you. Remember to keep it buoyant – ask how he is or, if you know his family, ask about a loved one or a favorite pet.
Mention something that you’ve been doing that the both of you enjoyed in the past – perhaps hiking on a favorite trail or spending time with a mutual friend.
Gauge when to say goodbye by how he sounds – enthusiastic and excited about your call or cautious and not in the mood to talk. Even though he may want to talk, don’t engage him in conversation too long.
You’ve made contact and now he’ll start thinking about old memories of the two of you and how things used to be. Besides, talking too long for the first conversation may open old wounds or dredge up bad memories.
Stay Away from the Blame Game
The “getting back together” light was red and now it’s yellow – for caution. As you begin to have conversations with each other again, you’ll both be cautious about bringing up old hurts and reasons for the breakup.
It’s important that you stay away from blaming each other, no matter how much you want to, even when the time is right to talk about it – and you will have to talk about it.
This time may be the only opportunity you have to turn back the clock on your relationship – to rekindle the sparks that brought the two of you together in the first place. To make that happen, you’ve got to stay away from why the split happened in the first place. That means not bringing up a huge fight, a cheating incident or anything else that can break the spell of this magical time between you.
The only possible reason for bringing up the past is to clear the air about something really important to you before you go on. For example, if abuse was involved, you’ll want to know what he’s doing to prevent it from happening again.
Chances are, you shouldn’t be attempting reconciliation if he abused you in any way. He’s shown you clearly who he is – believe him! Other than a drop-dead deal-breaker like that, there’s no reason to bring up the unhappiness of the past.
Other than the obvious, like abuse, there’s no reason you can’t work things out and get back together. But, take it easy at first and gradually get to the point where you can talk about what bothered you (or the reason for the breakup) in the past.
Even if you’ve made dumb mistakes when you first broke up – like calling and hanging up quickly or calling when drunk and sending lascivious text messages – the relationship isn’t irreparable.
Make Him Notice YOU – Again
If your ex continues to be unresponsive to your attempt at reconciliation, there are ways to get his attention. Now that you’ve heard his voice and feel a connection again, you may want nothing more than to run into his arms, but be patient. It’s time to rev up the action!
Here are some behaviors you should avoid at all costs when the yellow light is blinking and you want to get to the green light as rapidly as possible:
· Don’t be too available. – If he takes for granted that you’ll be sitting beside the phone or waiting for the doorbell to ring, you may be prolonging the final make-up session before getting back together. As hard as it might be…become a little distant. Don’t answer the phone every time he calls, even though you’re dying to. Make him leave a message.
Then, don’t be too anxious to call him back. Do call him back, but let a few hours or a day go by. And, go out with your friends – be seen having fun. It will get back to him and he’ll know you’re not pining for his attention. A little jealousy may speed up the reconciliation process, so if you’re casually dating someone else – so much the better.
· If he wants to talk about a plan for getting back together, be agreeable. – I said “agreeable,” not a pushover. You’ve got to state your feelings, but do it with your mind and not your heart. He’ll respect you more that you’re strong and self-sufficient.
· Don’t appear desperate. That’s one of the biggest turnoffs when trying to get back together. It undermines everything you’ve set up in the past to make this relationship work for the both of you.
· Don’t be clingy or needy. Another big turnoff. Even though you’ve begun the reconciliation process, things aren’t completely settled yet. Don’t automatically think that the two of you will be a couple again and show up at his place unannounced or continuously call him on his cell phone.
You’ve heard the old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” – well, it’s a fact that he’ll miss you more and want to be with you if you “chill” awhile and let him make the moves to get together.
Don’t Push Him for an Immediate Decision
You’ve talked about reconciling and the situation is looking positive – but don’t push your ex for an immediate decision about getting back together. You’ve heard that water doesn’t boil if you’re watching it – well, if you’re paying constant attention to a relationship makeup, that yellow light will keep blinking for what seems like forever.
That yellow light will turn to green sooner if you’re laid back. Reconciliation is a tricky situation, so have patience and wait for him to realize that he wants you back.
Meanwhile, have some fun. Go out with friends and keep yourself busy. Calling, texting, crying, spreading rumors that you’re getting back together will only push him farther away.
And, for goodness sake, don’t get emotional – sure you love him and want him back, but don’t let him know that by letting your feelings flow too freely. You don’t want to look needy or desperate.
After all the groundwork you’ve done thus far, it would be a shame if you ruined it at this point by acting too quickly.
During the Yellow Light Stage
Making the first contact with your ex a successful encounter is the most difficult part of reuniting. After that, there’s a good chance that you’ll begin to contact each other more and more and plan a time to see each other, if you haven’t already.
When you’re ready to “set a date” to go on a date, be sure you plan something that’s either sentimental, something that you both enjoy doing, or somewhere that will bring back pleasant memories.
There’s a twofold advantage to making your first date since the breakup a memorable one, and one that will push him more toward the green light. Those old loving feelings will be revived to make the time you spend together especially unforgettable.
He’ll also take note that you’re really serious about getting back into the relationship and make him realize that he has to make a decision – if he hasn’t already.
If he still isn’t ready to move through the green light, don’t be frustrated. Everyone has different emotional timetables, and he may not be ready to make the commitment you hope for yet. Continue to exhibit your willingness to try it again without being pushy or needy.
Don’t Set Yourself Up for Another Letdown
Unless you’ve analyzed why the relationship didn’t work the first time around, you may be setting yourself up for another devastating letdown. If you just fall into each other’s arms without addressing the issues that caused the breakup, nothing has been accomplished and the same old patterns may reappear in the relationship.
A quick hook-up isn’t what you want for the long run if you truly care for your ex. Moving too fast to get immediate results isn’t good for you or him and can seriously put the reconciliation in jeopardy.
Your ex has to convince you that he wants your relationship to continue and that he doesn’t just desire a quick fling, but a more permanent commitment.
The previous chapters were designed to help you with your relationship evaluation and to find out what you desire and have to have in a permanent love relationship. If you’ve done the exercises diligently, you should be ready to determine which path to take to rebuild a strong relationship with your ex – or let him go.
What if He Doesn’t Take the Hints?
If your ex doesn’t really get that you’re giving him the green light to rekindle the relationship, don’t despair. Time may be the key – and a continuation of your willingness to get back together. It may seem like an interminable amount of time to you, but give him space to make the right decision in his own time.
Look at yourself closely to see if you’re projecting an image of calm and balance in your life. If he sees an emotionally scattered person who is desperate to reconcile, he may be unsure that resuming the relationship is the right thing to do.
Take care of yourself, invite a calming presence into your being that he’ll be sure to see as a positive sign.
Embrace change, no matter if it’s the change you long for or change that you dread. It could be that both of you have to change before your new relationship can be a successful one.
Continue to take care of yourself, enjoy life and have fun that you create from the inside, out. He’ll notice the positive changes.
Maybe you’ve loved and lost. Consider it one of life’s lessons and learn from your past mistakes.
There’s No Guarantee
Wouldn’t it be great if relationships came with a “guarantee” that if it doesn’t work out, you’ll get a complete refund – no hurt feelings, no heartaches – it would all be wiped from your memory.
Unfortunately, our memories can’t erase the misery that a relationship-gone-wrong may have caused.
If all fails and reconciliation just doesn’t happen, you’ve at least gotten further in your life by taking steps to go on without him. You’re back in the dating game, reconnecting with old friends and family and getting yourself in shape and feeling good.
You’re over the “wallowing in self-pity” stage and are ready for new memories and fun times to come your way.
You may feel a new angst or panic when you realize that making up isn’t going to happen. You may have built up your hopes only to have them dashed when you see him out with someone new and those old feelings of revenge and anger raise their ugly heads in your mind.
If you know for sure that all your hopes and dreams of getting back together are gone with the wind, give yourself time to grieve. That doesn’t mean digging yourself into a deep depression and forsaking all the hard work you’ve done to get your mind and body back into shape.
It takes a while for your inner feelings to process the information that it’s really over and you should give yourself the time to rethink your past – and your new life.
Be gentle with yourself and concentrate on all you’ve accomplished rather than what you’ve lost. This is a time when pampering yourself can go a long way to alleviate the hurt. Getting together with friends (without constantly talking about your ex) is healing as is writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
Beware of “rebound” relationships. They don’t usually work and can get you in a situation that you’ll be sorry of later. Instead, concentrate on your feelings and your well-being for a while.
Don’t be too anxious to jump back in to a relationship just because you may be lonely or frustrated.
As you’re concentrating on you an incredible thing may happen – your ex may realize the grass isn’t always greener with someone else – and the time you’ve given him may have caused him to rethink the relationship he had with you.
You may be surprised to find that you don’t want him back after all – that the new you is really appealing and you’re actually…over it!