Psyche Yourself Up for Dating Success

Confidence Is Everything!

In the world of dating, as everywhere else, confidence is everything. Your confident (not cocky or arrogant) attitude will be key in attracting dates and meeting people. If you feel like you have little self-confidence or issues with self-esteem, you're probably shaking your head right now and thinking that if confidence is what's going to make or break your dating life, then you're already in trouble.

True confidence is cultivated through trying new things, whether you fail or not. You will eventually learn and succeed - confidence is not gained from doing nothing. Maybe you think you've got nothing to offer compared to some guys.

So you're not Brad Pitt - big deal. You need to capitalize on what you've got going for yourself and get over comparing yourself to others. It's likely that the women you date aren't going to be Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston, either.

Confidence means not comparing yourself to someone else, but seeing your strengths and making the most of them. You have to look at yourself and discover your own best qualities so that you can capitalize on them.

Here are some good ways to boost your self-confidence:

·         Spend some time honestly taking stock of what's good about you. A warning here: if you use this time to pick yourself apart and find everything wrong with yourself, you're on the wrong track.

o   Instead, take a break from putting yourself down and find some good points about you. Examples might be your great sense of humor, expressive eyes, excellent physical condition, great smile, intelligence, ability to cook a killer meal, or financial stability.

o   Don't just look at your physical self - think about personality traits, the hobbies you enjoy and are especially good at, or your ability to make people feel at ease around you.

·         Make a list of all the things that are cool about you - nothing is too small or ridiculous - these are the things that make you different and worthy of dates - you can build confidence around these things. If you still can't think of what your best characteristics and talents are, ask your friends and loved ones.

o   Remember that if the women you date are intelligent and nice, they're going to realize that you're not perfect and neither are they. What if she doesn't like every single thing about you?

o   This doesn't mean anything. If she likes enough things about you, your imperfections will be overlooked. This goes both ways and it's just the way dating works. If she's looking for complete perfection in a man, you don't want her anyway - no one is going to be able to really make her happy - not even Brad Pitt.

·         Project confidence. Confidence is projected first by body language and then by how you speak to her. If you're looking relaxed and comfortable (but not slovenly) you'll project an air of confidence. This means standing or sitting straight, but not being too rigid.

A smile and eye contact are very important. Shifting positions every few seconds, not making eye contact, slouching and seeming distracted will make her think you're not interested or that you have something to hide.

Giving her a list of all of the things you don't like about yourself is the kiss of death, so don't do it. Mumbling is a bad idea, too. Instead, you can convey confidence when speaking by speaking clearly and positively. You don't have to be a smiling goon, but spreading doom and gloom isn't going to do anything for you, either.

Becoming more confident will require you to take stock of your good qualities and the realization that no one is perfect, meaning you can stop worrying about it. Confidence is one of the most important keys to finding dates and eventually landing Mrs. Right. If you have to practice being confident, then do it - fake it 'til you make it, as they say.

Know Your Finest Selling Points

When you meet someone you like and you successfully strike up a conversation (you'll be successful because you're confident, right?), you need to highlight your selling points. You're not going to list them like some crazed car salesman, but you're going to be comfortable and casual, and in this way, you will be conveying important information about yourself to her.

Here are some tips about shining the spotlight on your best features:

·         Bring up your interests and accomplishments naturally. If there's room in the conversation to do this, then go ahead. Don't force it, though. She'll want to know what you find exciting and what challenges you've tackled. This lets her know you have a zest for life and an interest in growing.

·         You can also talk about things you're passionate about and have yet to try, such as parachuting, writing a book, walking the entire Appalachian Trail, or seeing the Great Wall of China. This is important because it gives her an idea of how you see your life taking shape, and what you really get excited about.

·         Don't try to say things just because they seem right, like "I love long walks on the beach." Be original, but be honest, too. You can tell her the things you think will impress her, but only if they're true for you. If she loves the outdoors, you can throw in information about how much you love to hike. If she seems interested in history, you can let her know that the American Revolution fascinates you.

·         Also, throw in some information that reflects your reliability, integrity, intelligence, compassionate nature, ability to MacGyver things, or the fact that you own a small cottage in the North Country. She wants to know that you're a solid person who can think on his feet. The cottage is a nice addition (make sure you really do have one, and if you don't, don't worry about adding that in).

There are some things that you can't use as selling points, and they should not be included in "getting to know you" conversations. These are:

·         You still live with your parents. Unless you are under the age of 25, give or take, this is a negative. If you're still young, it's just a neutral thing, but it's not going to win you any points. There are only certain cases where this is acceptable, and they're few and far between. However, it is fine to have housemates if you're in your twenties.

·         You are presently not working. You may be laid off from your job and searching, or waiting to be called back to work. That can be explained. But if you are jobless and without a plan, unless you're a retiree, this is not going to be looked upon favorably.

·         You have some issues that need to be dealt with. This is dicey, because most of us arrive at adulthood with the potential for issues, and as we go through life, many of us have things to deal with - that's fine. No one is without problems, minor or major.

But during the initial conversations, you probably don't need to bring up a past addiction or similar problem. If you currently have a problem, you need to take steps to deal productively with it.

Then, as time goes on, and more information is shared, you can say, "In the past, I've had some issues with _______, but I've been constructively working on this, and feel confident in the progress I've made."

Now that you know how to sell yourself, start taking stock of who you are and what you're all about. This is where you'll find the valuable information you want to share with the woman who might be your partner forever.

Join Groups to Find Your Next Date

People are naturally social - even those who are a bit shy, or not terribly outgoing still have social tendencies and these are reflected in the huge numbers of groups that exist - religious and spiritual groups, professional groups, hobby groups, athletic groups and of course, singles groups!

These can all be an excellent means of finding your next date. The most obvious groups to join for finding new women to date are singles groups. You'll almost always find singles groups that are affiliated with churches, synagogues and temples.

If you're spiritually devout, these kinds of groups can be a good place to start, but they tend to stay static without lots of new faces, unless you belong to a particularly large congregation.

There are also other singles groups that you can join. They might be affiliated with your hobbies or your profession. Singles groups are great, but they aren't the only groups you should consider joining.

One place that people sometimes overlook as far as groups are the more general types of groups that will attract both single and married or spoken for people. Professional groups are an excellent way to meet people, and you never know, one of your married associates from such a group might know the perfect date for you!

Other types of groups that aren't exclusively for singles, but can be great ways to meet new people and potential dates are political groups, hobby groups, neighborhood groups (anything from Neighborhood Watch to Keep Our Park Clean), groups that deal with social issues or ecological issues, alumni groups, parenting groups (don't go if you don't have kids!), volunteer groups, ethnic or cultural societies, the local gardening club, the book club at the library, or the snowboarding club. Any of these types of groups have the potential for bringing you face to face with Mrs. Perfect-For-You.

Don't forget about classes, either. Are you interested in learning to cook something other than macaroni and cheese and hot dogs? Take a cooking class at your local community college.

Do you enjoy watching the stars? Take an astronomy class. Classes for planning your financial future, how to invest your money and other similar subjects are very popular community education classes and usually draw a large and diverse crowd.

In order to find your next date, you're going to have to get out there and get exposure. You might not meet a prospective date, but you will meet people and make some friends, who in turn could lead you to the love of your life.

On the other hand, you might find that you meet Mrs. Right your first time out. Either way, joining groups, clubs and classes is a great way to open yourself to the possibilities that await you.

Nice Guys Can't Buy Love

Here's a common problem that nice guys face: they think that because they're the nice guy and not the bad boy (who seems to get all the girls), they have to buy their way into a girl's heart.

That's just not so, and you need to know that you could find yourself becoming unattractive to a woman if you're inclined to shower her with inappropriately large or frequent gifts for no apparent reason.

All women like gifts and remembrances. Guys do, too! But there's a not-so-thin line that you need to be certain not to cross when you're trying to impress a woman. Splurging on your date to impress her is going to have the opposite effect that you want it to have.

You're wondering if you can give her any gifts now, aren't you? Of course, you can. Here are some guidelines to help keep you from going overboard:

·         First date - you don't have to take any gift to her, but if you do, make it small. A single flower (from the florist, not the gas station) is great. Small special boxes of chocolates usually work well, too. Get these from a real candy store and have it wrapped with a nice ribbon. Do not give her knick-knacks, coffee mugs, Bassett hound figurines, or bottles of hard liquor - these are not appropriate "small" gifts.

·         After you've gone out a few times and you know you like her, if you feel the need to give her a gift again, keep it small and simple like a nice bottle of wine with dinner. You might scare her off if you show up at her door for a third or fourth date with jewelry in a Tiffany box.

You shouldn't even consider a more significant gift until you and she have made some sort of commitment to each other, such as exclusive dating. Then you can move up the gift ladder slowly.

Gifts of any monetary or symbolic significance should wait until a serious relationship has formed.  Women are a bit confusing this way. They want you to show affection and attention, but they don't want to feel smothered or like you're marking your territory or buying ownership of them.

When you give small remembrances, it tells a woman that you're thinking of her enough to stop by the flower shop and pick out a pretty flower especially for her. It also tells her that even though you like her, you're easing into this whole dating relationship thing and you want her to feel comfortable and not rushed.

If you feel the need to give expensive or large gifts in order to sweep her off her feet, take a few minutes and a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that if you truly want to impress her, you're better off doing it slowly and at a relaxed pace.

Nice Guys Need to Learn How to Untangle Mixed Signals

You've been on a couple of dates with a girl you really like. You thought everything was going great, and suddenly she seems to have lost interest. What's going on? In the midst of your disappointment, you need to find out what went wrong, keeping in mind that this might not even be your fault (although it might).

Let's take time to look at mixed signals and to figure out what they might mean.  If she seemed to sincerely like you in the beginning and then lost interest, it's most likely because she got bored, annoyed or overwhelmed.

Boredom and being annoyed are often triggered by the same things and can be closely related, although not always. If you're constantly talking only about yourself and never asking about her, never letting her have any input on the date, or are rude and negative, she will get bored or annoyed or both.

If you're smothering her with compliments and not giving her any room to breathe, she could get overwhelmed. Everyone, male and female likes compliments and likes attention. But too much of a good thing is still too much.

If you're smothering her by clinging to her, fawning over her, calling her several times a day or worse, acting like she belongs to you, you're asking for trouble, and she's probably going to cut you loose.

It's important to reach a balance between showing her that you like her (maybe a lot), and leaving her alone to miss you and to have a bit of breathing space. Don't go overboard with attentiveness. If you sense this is happening, give her some breathing room.

It could also be possible that she misinterpreted your intentions in the beginning. In this case, you might have been sending mixed signals. Did she think that the two of you were developing a friendship, while you were hoping to develop a love relationship?

It's possible that depending on how the two of you started out, she might have thought that you were just friends and that going to the baseball game together, or a movie was just something you were doing as buddies.

Then when you moved in for a goodnight kiss or tried to hold her hand, she might have suddenly realized that you wanted to be more than friends. If she wasn't prepared for that, or isn't interested in that, she might back off without offering an explanation (although she should).

The area of interpreting one's intentions from the signals they give (or don't) is a difficult one. However, if you're closely paying attention to what you're doing and the signals that you're sending, you stand a much better chance of not mis-communicating or misunderstanding what's going on.

It is certainly possible that after you've gone out a few times, she might just decide that she's not interested. It would be great if she just told you that, but sometimes that doesn't happen.

If you find yourself in this situation, take time to consider how you were handling the dating relationship and try to put yourself in her shoes. It may shed some light on her mixed signals.